Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Required: One Supreme Deity

At the end of my previous blog I toyed with the notion that an author plays God, or at least a god, in a small way when writing. “Playing God” is what scientists and others are sometimes accused of doing in the real world. Looking around at this real world, the thought occurs to me: “Playing God? Well, someone has to do it, because s/he seems to have retired.” God stepped down and the College of Angels forgot to elect a replacement. What would the job ad look like?

Wanted: Supreme Deity.
Minor deities belonging to ethnic/cultural minorities are encouraged to apply.
Previous experience essential.

Well, having performed the role of a minor deity while writing, would I qualify? What are the job criteria? What, exactly, are the duties?

Essential Criteria

·         Fluent in Latin, Classical Greek, Aramaic, Akkadian, Egyptian and a range of other dead languages.
·         A degree in religious studies or business management.
·         An ability to smile and nod while irritating American Evangelists and Wacky Muslim Fundamentalists rant and rave.
·         An inability to work as part of a team.
·         Able to make the tough decisions.
·         Able to make the easy decisions.
·         Able to do absolutely nothing for centuries and millennia on end.
·         A capacity for multi-tasking, or, at least, uni-tasking.
·         Attention to detail – keeping an eye on sparrows.
·         Poor delegation skills.
·         Excellent intrapersonal skills, particularly if of the Trinitarian or many-faced persuasion.
·         Licence to drive a chariot.
·         Not afraid of heights.
·         Handy with subatomic particles.
·         Able to handle bad press.
·         Able to leap tall buildings …. [wrong job – remember to edit this out]

Desirable Criteria

·         English, Arabic, Hebrew, Hindi and Urdu.
·         Immortality (or willingness to acquire the same).
·         Omniscience (or ability to learn on the job)
·         A beard.
·         Handy with lightning bolts.
·         Likes goats.
·         Has a fondness for virgins.


·         Creating and uncreating the universe from time to time.
·         Acting in an arbitrary and unpredictable manner.
·         Maintaining sparrows in the air.
·         Occasionally raping virgins.
·         Overseeing the “Bad things happen to good people” initiative.
·         Seeing that it doesn’t rain on an important evangelist’s family picnic.
·         Abducting people and inserting objects into their rectum [this task may be delegated].
·         Adding digits to Pi.
·         Careful maintenance of the false fossil record.
·         Entertaining popes, saints, prophets, messiahs, gurus, economists and weather forecasters.
·         Speaking through Oprah Winfrey and/or Dr. Phil.

Yes, I think I could do that, except for the whole minority thing. I suppose some minor spirit inhabiting a tree in Africa will get the job this time around.


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